February 18th. I woke up at 4:30. Tied up my backpack. Gathered the water, fruits, vegetables, integral rice and huge bag of granola. I made coffee. As I was waiting for my mates to pick me up in front on the campo, my host and I had our first coffee together, and our last very deep conversation about love, childhood wounds and mental troubles. Between 5 and 6 AM.
I had spent 14 days in Arraial d’Ajuda; 8 of them in another state of consciousness. The days 1-5 after Ayahuasca had been intense. I felt the Plant had left something inside. And would never leave. I would never get back to normal. I had been taking quick notes day and night, overwhelmed with revelations, insights and intuitive thoughts popping up into my conscious mind – from the unconscious stream? – experiencing scary feelings in my body. So I felt at this point, I needed a mental break. And a time to write everything down properly, with vivid details so I could always remember those sensations… If they were going to leave me at some point. It was almost 6 days and the sensations kept going inside me.
The intensity of the last days had not allowed me to plan where I would go next. On February 16th, I realized I should leave my host’s house two days later, and had not been able to choose between the 3 options that had come to me. I was still waiting for Life to decide for me. And I was wondering: this is strange, Life usually tells me with some time in advance. She had never left me so short delays to prepare myself for the next adventure – buy a bus ticket, finish my painting tasks, rent a place to sleep. You may wonder: how do Life communicate Her choice with me?
Paulo Coelho first introduced me to the Life’s language, “Signs Language”. I started to notice coincidences. I also started to investigate my childhood dreams and my heart’s signals: where was I finding love and passion? Reading The Alchemist also got me interested in travelling – London would be my first travel on the path of the signs – resulting in my first novel. In 2010, I received an important source of information from my best friend, a young woman of extreme sensibility and intelligence (and most probably propitious to develop psychic abilities). She gave me the audio lessons of the channeling couple Esther and Jerry Hicks, through which the entity they called Abraham communicated the Law of attraction. They taught me many important techniques to get over my difficult adolescence, amongst which the most important lesson: the Heart knows two words, “yes” or “no”. Nothing in between. I practiced the method anytime I would have to make a difficult choice. I would visualize the first scenario and pay attention to my heart’s reaction. Did it make me feel good, excited, happy? Or was my heart squeezed and oppressed? Then I would visualize the second scenario. With practice, my Heart’s answer was becoming more and more obvious. And from there on, I would never go back to make choices by letting Reason muzzle my Heart.
So, on February 14, I had 3 quite exciting options for what to do after Arraial d’Ajuda. 3 “yes” options, with coincidences occurring in each of them.
The first that came up was an “Expansion consciousness” weekend training in Rio de Janeiro (whole night bus ride away) on February 17 and 18. It was organized by the Monroe Institute, an American organization that studied Astral trips and channeling. I was told about this training by Norleide, the Holistic Therapist I met in Salvador few weeks before. Going to Rio would also be good to get samba classes and meet an inspiring cineaste Émilie Beaulieu-Guérette from Montreal (see my critique of her documentary “O outro Rio”). But Rio was dangerous, the training expensive and I had no much time to find a cheap and secure housing – I might had one accommodation. The day before, on the beach Praia do Mucugê, I had asked a woman and her daughter to check my bag as I was swimming. They happened to be two cheerful Brazilians from Rio de Janeiro – a coincidence? We chatted and laughed a lot, and then exchanged Whatsapp contacts. I thought I could eventually ask them to host me.
The second option that came up was to assist a presentation of Reconnective Healing by its founder, the American Eric Pearl. ! I had discovered Reconnective Healing with Norleide. Amazed, I had completed the free introductory online course and listened to his Audio book Heal Others, Heal yourself during the last days – it really helped me cope with the after-effects of Ayahuasca, making me feel accompanied in my new vision of our World. Eric Pearl was coming to Sao Paulo (whole night bus ride away) on February 18th – what a coincidence! Plus, my dear friend Andréa, a passionate Opera singer I lived with for 3 weeks in Salvador, was going to the same city on the same date to audition for The Opera Phantom! It was exciting. But going straight to Sao Paulo would mean to miss out some interesting cities on my way South. And I knew that once I’d be South, I wouldn’t go back North. I don’t go back – geographically or metaphorically, in Life.
The third option that came up on February 14 was to stay in Arraial d’Ajuda. The owner of the house where the Ritual was held could host me; in exchange, I would help him with the marketing of his yoga center. But staying there would mean, most probably, ending up doing the next Ayahuasca ritual on February 23. I somehow wanted to flee from this probability.
So, on February 14, I had to choose between 3 “yes” options, each of them concealing coincidences. I had 3 nights left at my host’s house. Had to leave Sunday the latest. It was getting late to plan a trip to Rio or Sao Paulo. But I couldn’t make a choice. And I learned that in doubt, do nothing. Don’t move, don’t choose. Wait. Wait for Life to send an answer… Come on, Life, hurry up!!! I thought, laughing, as I was walking to the beach for my evening swim. I thought it was very strange Life didn’t answer. And those days, strange phenomenons make me laugh. Anxiety and fear have been gradually transformed into pure, joyful laughs. Maybe since Ayahuasca.
It was day 5 after Ayahuasca. The Plant was finally leaving my body. And as my strange sensations were getting rarer every day, I was feeling a bit disappointed. As much as I was terrified few days ago by the idea of Her never leaving me as I was before, “happily ignorant”, now I wanted to remain with the feeling of the Truth I had experienced and the psychic abilities she had been sharing with me over the last days. But, I guess I needed to forget so I could go on living my worldly life without feeling “in between” dimensions (two, or most likely, an infinity of dimensions). This is maybe why when we are born, this knowledge is erased from our consciousness. So we can go on living our worldly life. Without questioning it.
As I was walking between Praia dos Pescadores and Praia do Mucugê after sunset, I thought of a girl from the ritual. We hadn’t talked much and hadn’t exchanged WhatsApp contacts. But I remembered her face in the morning when the whole nightmare was over. She didn’t look ok. She was staring at the high trees. Veiled green eyes. Pallid. I did not approach her. An older, dressed in white woman was already talking to her. I felt that myself getting involved would be too much; I preferred to stay away, allowing her some space and tranquility.
When I reached Praia do Mucugê, it was already night. I asked a man to check my bag and entered the dark water. I laid my back trustfully into the South Atlantic Ocean, staring at the stars in the infinite, clear, black sky. Seaweeds agglutinated around my wrists and ankles. I was working on my fears.
At 19:30, I climbed the road up to the historic center. I had to pick up ice cream at D’Gust for my host (chocolate, coffee and Nutella and pistache): it was Wednesday’s half price promotion. We never missed any promotion (Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday) during the two weeks of my stay. When I arrived at D’Gust, I glanced at a table where customers were using a laptop – that was not common, even though many young people would use the Wi-Fi zone on their cellphones… I recognized the girl from the ritual!
- Hey! I greeted her.
She embraced me warmly, as everybody does here.
- That’s so funny! I explained her. I was just thinking about you an hour ago. I wanted to share about our experience, know how you were feeling after the ritual. It’s so fun to meet you hear! Are you staying in Arraial?
- No, actually, I just came tonight to pick up Wi-Fi with my friends. We are staying 20 minutes-drive from here.
What a coincidence!
I asked her about the ritual. She explained she had not vomited at all, even though she felt she needed and wanted to. Despite of that, she said she was feeling a deep peace in the following morning, as she was staring at the trees. She just wanted to stay there, staring. Some people talked to her, but she just wanted to be left alone, staring at the beautiful colors. And she added:
- I could not recognize you when you were vomiting! I was looking at you, hearing you. When you talked to the man with the bowl of flowers, I recognized you… but I could not believe it!
- Why? I asked, amazed.
- I don’t know… It wasn’t you… It was so… PRIMITIVE. You got everything out! Everything!
- Really? I laughed, amazed, scared by myself.
It was true I had felt as an animal, a snake or a panther, as I was rounding my back and shouting, getting rid of everything. It felt so good, getting everything out, forgetting about my surroundings, forgetting people could hear or see me. Being a wild animal in the middle of the jungle.
- Are you staying for long in Arraial? She asked.
- No, I have to leave my host’s house in few days, but I still don’t know where I will go… What about you?
- Actually, I came here with my friends to plan our roadtrip to Ouro Preto and then Belo Horizonte. We are accompanying Josi in her Kombi. We’re sharing the costs: gas, food… If you want, you can come with us!
It was so spontaneous of her. The idea felt instantly good. Who hasn’t dreamed of going on a hippie roadtrip in a Kombi?! Haha. Well, I did.
Also, this plan felt so easy, so simple… I like when things flow easily. And actually, I noticed this is another trick of Life to help us follow the path she would like us to take. I don’t mean that She makes it easy to reach our deepest wills – Oh no! – but She does that only for those kind of decisions that are not directly related to any love or passion impulsion; those kind of decisions we have no idea where they are leading us.
At that moment, I also remembered this was my original plan. When I left Salvador for Arraial d’Ajuda, I was hoping to pass by Belo Horizonte on my way South. Pamela, the first friend I made in Salvador, was now working there. I had also initially thought of going to Belo Horizonte because of a Brazilian Yoga teacher in Montreal, who knew many Kundalini teachers there. Moreover, I had thought lightly, at that time, that it would be fun to meet people to go by car instead of catching again a bus alone. Lately, I had forgotten all those wishes I had dropped into Life’s arms. But She had not.
Ask, and it will be given to you.
- Wow, that sounds so cool! I answered. I will think about it!
But my Heart had already answered. 🙂
— SUBSCRIBE to the blog to be emailed the next episode.