I had to meet the group in Arraial d’Ajuda’s historic center, somewhere on the square where stands the Igreja Matriz Nossa Senhora D’Ajuda. From there, we would depart by car to the house where the ritual was to be held. The house’s owner arranged the transportation for me. I didn’t know the driver, nor the Chaman. I knew only a woman, from the Ashtanga yoga crew – I met her two days before and had talked with her merely five minutes until that moment. Short and tiny, long wavy black hair, sharp and thin facial traits. My first impression was that she seemed shut and individualistic. But this first impression would be proven wrong.
I recognized her on a terrace at the intersection of Rua Broadway. She was sitting there with a dozen of Argentinians and Brazilians, the majority in their 30’s, wearing pale or white baggy clothes, rock stones and crystals to the neck, long hair, wide tattoos and nostril piercings. She introduced me to some members of the groupe – she had also had just met. She knew only the driver and the Chaman; it wasn’t her first ritual. I greeted them – as we always do in Brazil or any warm culture – with kisses on the cheeks, frank eye contact and names exchange. The Chaman had earthy complexion and green eyes. “Is it your first time?” he asked, in Portugueese. I nodded. “Today we are going to do something very simple. I’m happy you came. This is a life-changing experience”. Life-changing. We hear it so often, those days, with all those self-development books. Sure, I thought, not grasping even a hint of what he meant.
Then I sat next to my “friend”. She was chatting with a young Brazilian – my age, roughly –, chocolate skin, luminous and curious eyes and an emancipated, smiley, facial expression. “What is your sign?” He asked in Portugueese. “Leo”, I answered. “Oh! See? he said. We were bad-mouthing about leos”. He was amused by this life lesson.
- What are the two of you? I asked.
- Aquarius, answered the young man. She is Scorpio. Scorpio is very honest and direct.
- What about Leo?
- Very loyal to friends and family.
I knew Aquarius to be a sign of Air, with the qualities of intellect curiousity and free-thinking. I started to seriously investigate Astrology few months before my departure. Before that, my Astrology use was merely reading the Heart, Money and Luck hints in the Metro or 24H freely distributed newspaper – completely wrong. So in October 2017, I ordered 3 books on Amazon and was amazed to find many answers about myself and my relationships in The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need by Joanna Martine Woolfol. In July, I had finished an almost 5 year relationship. So my Astrology study technique was: finding cute guys on the Tinder App, meet them, try to guess their sign and then read about. Sometimes even reading together about our compatibility. It was really fun. And surprinsingly accurate.
Back to Brazil. In Brazil, everybody talks about astrology all the time. Astrology is not a “possibility”. It is a Truth. We, humans, are affected by the planets. Such as the moon regulates the seas and women’s menstruating cycle. So now, I know that our Sun Sign isn’t just enough to describe how human are intimately related to the planets. Apart from my Ascendant sign I knew but didn’t find much useful, I have found so many answers in my Moon sign, and most amazingly in my Mid-heaven sign. It is worth calculating your Birth Chart, trust me!
Aquarius had taken the hand of Scorpio (my friend). He was looking into her palm.
- You don’t have it, he stated.
- What is it? I asked.
- She doesn’t have the Vengeance line.
- Oh! Do I have it?
And I held out my palm to him, excited and ready to accept the Thruth.
- Yes, he said. You have it.
It must be true. In early childhood, I always wanted to get revenge from those who would hurt me. I had even developed a gaze (eyes expression), which I thought was very powerful to make men feel guilty – my dad and my brother. That was from age 5 most probably. I was also trying to be upset and sulking as long as possible after a fight. My goal to give a cold shoulder during 2-3 days. It would torn my heart in a horrible feeling, but I would persist. Although I think I never reached more than a day. So, yes, my childhood was a HUGE daily fight with my EGO. Hence I also recall being absolutely unable to pronounce: “excuse me” or “I am sorry” after misbehaving – and being ashamed of it. It would get stuck into my throat. It would be just impossible to get those words out. My mom had to work sooo much (for months maybe?) to have me say “Excuse-moi”. Once I finally released “Excuse-moi” one time, it got easier and easier every time. And I eventually, I was healed for ever. Thank you mom.
By developing self-love and self-acceptance, one also develops compassion. From there, revenge clearly reveals itself as dark wheel you don’t to be stuck in. Wasting your energy and light. It is a long process, mostly when you come from a very dark place.
- Of course I have the Vengeance line, but I’m working on it! I’ve been working on it a lot!
- Let’s see if it touches the Heart line.
Oh no… I thought… I hope it doesn’t touch the heart line…
- Yes, it touches, said Aquarius, almost smiling.
- Shoot! What does it mean??
- It means that you keep resentment in your heart. Amargura.
Do I? Over the last years, I tried to forgive everybody. Everybody who hurt me. Who didn’t know how to show love. Who didn’t love because they didn’t love themselves. Who didn’t know how to guide me through life. Or just how to allow me to grow freely.
Few days ago, as I was painting a white wall in my host’s house, I noticed I was filled with thoughts of gratitude. It was weird, because I used to think of my past – my childhood, my adolescence and early adulthood – in a very sad way. During the last years, I would sometimes read what I had written in my Journal at 8 years old and I would cry for the kid I was.
Hahaha. What a crazy thing to do, you might think.
Well, I guess I was purging forgotten memories, which are stuck in my unconscious brain. Maybe it helped the forgiving process. This is probably the reason why the whole Ayahuasca ritual attracted me: the plant makes you vomit and poo everything out. And this purging process is meant to purify you physically, emotionnally, mentally and spiritually.
Back to me painting this white wall few days ago.
I was suddenly filled with gratitude. I was thankful for having spent most of my childhood in nature, allowing me to develop a deep connection with the elements. Thankful for those nights I had spent watching the stars, questioning existence. Gazing at the fire and feeling powerful. Swimming naked in the dark lake, enjoying my feminity. Grateful for this space where my cousins, brother, sister and I would let go our creativity, making up Theater plays we would then present to our aunts and uncles, preparing salads with strange herbs picked in my aunt’s garden, building houses in the trees, learning songs, creating choreographies, massaging and teaching each other anything we would love! I was filled with gratitude and love for my parents, my older brother whom I always truly believed was born a genius and my older sister who will always be in my eyes the most beautiful woman.
This day, I thought: SOMETHING SHIFTED INSIDE.
- Yes, it touches your Heart line, said Aquarius, still reading my palm. But just a little. And the Vengeance line is very weak.
Thank you. I smiled.
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