I start to write this blog after 7 weeks in Brazil, and most likely 7 more to go. So, just in the MIDDLE. Just after I had what was probably the most powerful experience of my life. So I thought, my not start here, at this middle point. As if everything till now had been leading me to this experience. And as if everything, from here, would only be the understanding and expansion of this experience into my life.
Yeah, I thought, why not start this story with the Revelation? Anyway, we all heard of it. In elementary school, as we read Plato or Buddha. In our yoga classes. On the book covers, on the shelves of respected libraries. Even quantum physics started to acknowledge it.
Our life, our world, as we perceive it, is an illusion.
We all thought we had an idea of what it meant. From a psychological point of view, we could almost easily understand this statement: we are looking through our lens, interpreting the events of our life from our personal perspective, involving our personal wounds and traumas. It was helpful, it was fun. Yeah, my life is an illusion.
But we didn’t understand even a fragment of what it meant. We never FELT it. We never SAW it. We never EXPERIENCED it.
But it was written inside of us from the beginning. Some of us had glimpses of it during childhood. I did. I know, now. When I was a child, I used to look at the ants running between the enormous herbs – enormous for them, few centimeters for us. Then I would lay on the grass next to them, looking at the sky, and try to imagine as if I was looking towards something much, much bigger, with a limited view of my minuscule world.
Sometimes I wondered if it was always inside of me, or if it began after what I recall as a near-death experience – but also, the most beautiful teaching that life gave me, in the softest way (nothing to compare with the experience I just had). So soft, so subtle, that I could only recall it, and understand the message many years later. As a child (maybe 8 years old), I was taken on a family trip to Mexico, by the Pacific Ocean. As I was swimming, The Sea knocked me over with a strong wave. I recall the scratch of the sand on my skin, and my head hitting the ground, as She was rolling me under water, keeping me there till I’d lose my last breath. I was fighting. As a child, I already wanted to control everything: from the single pleat in my sock, to being the best in French or Mathematics. So I was fighting. I wouldn’t let go of my life. But the Sea was stronger. And I got really scared. She firmly kept my head under water. She kept me there until I would surrender to Her. Until I would let go of myself. Until I could contemplate, in stillness, my arms and legs, useless above my body. She held me tenderly in a way that my abdomen was facing the sky, and I could see the last air bubbles coming out of my mouth. I could see the Sun behind Her, up in the Sky, and its pure Light filling the water above my eyes. In that instant, I felt at peace. There was no more fear. Then She freed me. Back into this world. This moment, I remembered it in October 2012, on a Mexican beach of Zipolite. This is when I understood Her message. Clear as it was.
As a child, I had many questions about life and its rules. I felt as if it was all organized, so I was wondering: How does it work? Is it that children who have very unhappy childhood will then have very happy lives, and the way-around? Before sleeping, in bed, I would make up lots of hypothesis of that kind. I was imagining also that, just as I could manipulate my Barbie and Play Mobil dolls, SOMEONE bigger than me was making up my personal story. And today I recall clearly this thought: “This life is just a game. Let’s PLAY it then.”
But then, adolescence wiped out my inside wisdom, creativity and self-knowledge. Luckily, as adulthood was knocking next at my door, I preferred, at times, to search for the Little me.
So, I already wrote that much today and haven’t gotten yet to the point I wanted to reach… Well, that’s me, telling stories… As my sister would suffer weekly, during two-hour drive to the chalet…
So. Back to the main point…
I’ll start this blog here, in the MIDDLE. The BEFORE: when we knew it, somehow, and forgot it. The MIDDLE: when Life recalled it to us. And the AFTER: life-long work of trying to LIVE with it.
So I wanted to tell you about my Ayahuasca experience – The MIDDLE. But I’ll have to write it in the next post hihi. It’s not a beautiful story, just to let you know.
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